Is Obedience the Goal?

Obedience.

What’s your gut reaction to that word? A nod of agreement, recognizing its importance? Or a flinch of caution, a reminder of control?

To our modern ears, "obedience" can sound archaic, even animalistic. It’s what we expect from a well-trained pet. But what about our children? I’ll be honest: I want obedience from my kids. I want to say, “Please put the iPad down,” or “Can you help set the table?” and have them respond right away.

But I have to ask myself: what’s really behind that desire?

Is it the generational echo of filial piety from my Chinese heritage, where obedience is akin to a love language? Is it my hope that they’ll learn to obey Christ, discovering the profound freedom that comes from trusting our Heavenly Father? Or, if I'm really honest, is it sometimes just a selfish desire for control and convenience?

Let's take a step back. In those moments when you’re demanding obedience, what are you truly trying to accomplish in your parenting?

Sure, we want our children to listen. But what we want even more is for them to make the right choice on their own. I want them to put the iPad down without having to ask. But when that doesn’t happen, the cycle begins: a polite request, a firmer command, nagging, and finally, an empty threat—“That’s it, no screens for a month!” We all end up frustrated, and no one has learned anything.

I think the reason "obedience" leaves a sour taste for many of us is that it can feel so empty. In my own upbringing, it often meant: Don’t ask questions. Don’t think for yourself. Just obey, or face the consequences. This approach may change behaviour in the moment but doesn't shape our heart.

So, how do we raise the bar? What is the higher goal?

The answer lies in this insightful verse from Luke, speaking about the role and mission of John the Baptist:

And he will go on before the Lord… to turn the hearts of the parents to their children and the disobedient to the wisdom of the righteous—to make ready a people prepared for the Lord.

Luke 1:17

Here's the shift: the opposite of disobedience isn't obedience -- it's wisdom.

This reframes everything. Parenting becomes less about enforcing rules and more about planting the seeds of understanding. It’s the long, patient work of asking questions and guiding them to see the why behind the what.

Our ultimate goal isn’t to control our children's behaviour, but to nurture their wisdom. We are not just seeking compliance for today; we are cultivating the discernment they will need for a lifetime.