The Confidence We're Really Looking For

Who doesn’t want a confident child? It’s a quality we cheer for, a trait we believe paves the way for success and happiness. But what is confidence, really?

As a third-generation Chinese American, I’ve lived at the intersection of two cultures that view this concept differently. In the U.S., confidence is a celebrated virtue, a ‘believe in yourself’ boost that can propel you forward. In Chinese heritage, however, the concept of confidence holds tension and can tip toward arrogance if presented as loud or unearned.

When I asked my mom about my childhood, she described, from an American point of view, that I was a confident, outgoing girl who made friends easily. But my own memory tells a different story. For as long as I can remember, I was a people-pleaser. I wanted to be liked—who doesn't? I was often perceived as grounded: mature and self-assured, but inside, I was a pendulum constantly swinging between two extremes.

On one side was a feeling of strength, almost invincibility—a brash belief that I could do anything I set my mind to. But isn't that just pride in disguise? On the other side was a shaky foundation of self-doubt, where I sought approval and validation from others. That doesn’t sound like true confidence, either.

I’ve come to believe we often misunderstand confidence. It isn’t about how we appear to others, but what’s going on deep inside. We don't want our kids to have a surface-level confidence that shatters at the first sign of failure or criticism. We want them to have a deep, unwavering confidence that is both strong and humble.

So, how do we get there?

To start, let’s redefine what we’re really looking for. What if true confidence isn't self-confidence at all?

When we root our confidence solely in our own abilities, wit, or past successes, we commit ourselves to that unfulfilling pendulum swing. Our sense of worth becomes dependent on our latest achievement or the changing approval of others. Inevitably, this ties our identity to an unstable cycle, leaving us to swing between the fleeting high of pride and the downward pull of insecurity.

The ancient wisdom of the Bible offers a radical alternative. The apostle Paul writes:

“Such confidence we have through Christ before God. Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God.”

- 2 Corinthians 3:4-5

True confidence is not self-confidence, but God-confidence.

It’s the profound assurance that our competence, worth, and identity are gifts from a faithful and loving God. Rooted here, in Christ, we find the freedom to be both courageous and content, bold and humble. We can step forward without the crushing pressure to prove ourselves, because we are already secure in Him.

This is the unshakable foundation we must build in our own lives, and then model for our children. The best way to build true confidence in them is to demonstrate a confidence rooted in something far greater than ourselves. Let your confidence be in the One who will never fail, Jesus. This is the confidence we're all looking for, the confidence we’re made for.