Reframing Resilience

I used to dislike the word 'resilience'.

It became such a buzzword across education, parenting, and mental health that it seemed to have completely veered off-track from its original meaning.

Lately, I’ve been digging deeper into what resilience really is and what it isn’t. I’ve learned it’s not just a buzzword. It’s an ongoing process, and something we can truly hope to build in the next generation. But there are two voices that tend to surface in parents that actually miss the mark toward the goal of raising resilient kids.

The first voice says, “Toughen up.”

This voice worries our kids will turn out entitled. It fears comfort might make them soft. Some parents have even begun to manufacture hardship. I’ve personally known multiple families who have enrolled their young children in military-style camps in the hope to build grit and gratitude.

The second voice says, “I’ll handle it.”

This voice doesn’t want to see our children struggle. It says, “just step in, remove obstacles, and prevent hardship.” This voice lends to the mindset that we just want our children to be happy. Struggle can wait until adulthood. A bad grade, a friendship hurt, a forgotten lunch – the “I’ll handle it” parent comes to the rescue and fixes their problems.

Both voices come from a place of love, but neither builds the resilience we’re hoping for.

So how do we land in the space between these voices? How do we actually nurture resilience? Consider these shifts:

1. Stop Outsourcing the Tough Stuff

Time and time again I’ve seen that parent-child connection is sacrificed for convenience and classes. Rather than strong leaders, we’ve become great managers of time and efficiency – optimizing our households and the people in them. We prefer comfort and convenience over challenge and as a result, outsource much of the learning process – the tough stuff.

When I was growing up, learning to ride a bicycle meant doing it the hard way. We took off the training wheels and my dad would run alongside me, sometimes stabilizing the bike from behind. It took a number of falls, multiple scraped knees, and a good dose of frustration (from both myself and my father) but I eventually figured it out.

Now there’s a class for everything. Cycling, reading, swimming, math – we sign them up with the least amount of effort for parents, and minimal scraped knees. I'm not against classes—not at all! But I wonder, in our effort to build resilience, maybe we need to show a little resilience ourselves - within their frame of what’s considered ‘hard’.

2. Resilience Is Not Something to Gain, But Something to Grow

We live in an age where we look for quick fixes and accelerated learning paths, but the continual development of resilience takes time and intentionality. We don't magically create it by simply increasing adversity or taking it away.

When we lean into the “toughen up” voice and push kids into struggle without support, we risk building walls instead of grit. When we lean into the “I’ll handle it” voice in an effort to protect our kids, we risk dependency.

The American Psychological Association (APA), defines 'resilience' as, "The process and outcome of successfully adapting to difficult or challenging life experiences”

Resilience is both process and outcome. It is a response rather than a prize to be won. If we want to intentionally nurture resilience in our kids, start by focusing here:

1. Relationship

2. Reality

Relationship says, “You are not alone.” Reality is seeing life for what it is – it can be hard! And one person’s reality of what is hard can be drastically different for another. We might see our kids’ problems as trivial or easy to fix, but standpoint doesn’t help them. Reality says, “This is hard for you. I get it. We can get through it together.”

Here’s the amazing truth: we are not alone in our hardship either.

“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”

-Isaiah 41:10

We are not alone and neither are our children. So the next time you hear those voices, “toughen up” or “I’ll handle it,” pause and put yourself in their shoes. Ask yourself, “How are they experiencing this?” and “How can I walk with them through it?”

Reach further: What could you do to prioritize connection over convenience with your child this week?